In an attempt to combat the Ivy League reputation of intellectual elitism, Yale University is rumored to have taken bold steps and embraced an equal-opportunity philosophy that includes hiring developmentally challenged administrators. In what many observers see as an indication of the new practice, Yale released its absurdly long Glee-ish admissions video this winter, brazenly showing its appreciation of both slow students and gay smarties.
Behind the scenes, the University has hired developmentally challenged administrators to oversee its state-of-the-art LEED-certified Art & Architecture Building. Their first move was to lock the showers so bike-using commuters could not wash up before work.
“No intelligent person would have spit in the face of LEED sustainability standards,” said an advocate for the developmentally challenged. “But Yale is not afraid to try something new.”
According to the Chronicle of Higher Education, an associate dean in the new building said “the showers wouldn’t be unlocked because there’s no way to lock them from inside to guarantee privacy.”
“Yale may wish to hire a training group for the retarded administrators,” suggested one expert on independent living. “There are actually these things called locks, and those high-tech devices called locks can be put on doors. With proper training, even retards can accomplish basic problem-solving tasks like this.”
The Cronk of Higher Education (CronkNews.com) seeks articles for a special hardcopy edition to be distributed at upcoming higher education conferences, including ACPA, NASPA and ACUI.
Content guidelines:
Submissions should be satirical news items of 100 to 250 words.
Articles should be timely and relate to issues familiar to most college faculty or staff.
Article titles should be able to stand alone as mini humor pieces if possible.
Preference will be given to articles written specifically about higher education conferences.
Freshman Pamela Roggins of Sunshine State University in Boca Raton, FL, set a new world record this week by writing her 34,077th Facebook wall post stating some version of “Facebook is boring.”
Among her famous posts are these masterpieces:
Yaaaawn. FB is sooooooo stuuuuupid.
Ppl who use FB all the time are loosers.
This is so laem. Kewl people don’t do fb anymore, peeps.
Im going to hold my breth until facebook goes back to it’s old look. Dosn’t matter tho. Fb is stoopid anyways.
In case you missed last week’s two-hour meeting of the Campus Collaboration Committee, we’ve posted a summary of events.
10:00 a.m.
Committee chair Marjorie Whiggins read the minutes from the previous CCC meeting.
10:10 a.m.
Ms. Whiggins praised all of the committee members for being so wonderful and collaborative.
10:15 a.m.
Whiggins gave thorough descriptions of all upcoming CCC events and provided in-depth analysis of all the work that would be necessary.
10:45 a.m.
Whiggins pulled out a book called The Collaborative Companion and read an inspirational chapter called “Synergy: The Magic of Group Collaboration.”
11:05 a.m.
Whiggins reminded everyone how important it is to collaborate and provided statistics that indicate group decision-making yields better results and buy-in.
11:10 a.m.
Whiggins looked at her watch and said, “I don’t have anything else. Does anyone have anything to add or could we go ahead and end the meeting now?”
11:11 a.m.
Whiggins thanked everyone for another super duper meeting and adjourned.
Universities have begun sending lobbyists from both academic and financial affairs to Ohio University in hopes of influencing a particularly contentious impending tenure decision. Heated debate surrounds the alleged uncivil behavior of tenure candidate, Bill Reader.
“Every campus gives tenure and promotions to cantankerous egomaniacs,” said one lobbyist from an academic affairs advocacy group. “It’s part of our identity to have at least one abusive asshole in each department. We can put up with insults and harassment if it means we don’t have to deal with conflict. It’s so much nicer to avoid confrontation.”
“It’s also the ethical thing, fiscally,” said an anonymous Vice President of Finance. “These jerks are predisposed to be litigious, and we don’t want to waste students’ precious tuition money on lawsuits. I thought tenure was supposed to be about scholarship, not a popularity contest.”
“I’ve suggested to Mr. Matthews that he practice silently repeating a cultural mantra whenever talking to someone with minority status,” said one consultant who calls himself “Dr. Sensitive.” “Thinking things like ‘You’re black. You’re black. You’re black,’ can be a healthy way to never forget that someone is of a certain race.”
“I’ve taken Dr. Sensitive’s class, and I’ve found enlightenment,” said one former client. “I have a female supervisor, and whenever she gives me orders I say ‘You’re a woman. I’m aware that you have a vagina.’ She gives me strange looks because she’s not used to someone recognizing her cultural specialness so overtly, and it makes me feel incredibly diverse.”
“Chris Matthews was wrong to forget, even for one second, that our president is black,” said a particularly harsh critic. “Even though Obama didn’t want his race to define him, but to have it instead be part of his legacy, we need to respect him by seeing only his color. We’ve made progress as a nation, but there is still a lot of work to do.”
Campus Black History Month programs have begun, and white college presidents are passionately supporting the diversity celebrations through the age-old art of story telling.
Inspiring excerpts include:
“…When I was in college, I played varsity squash and there were two black guys on my team. We sometimes rode the bus together, and it taught me that there was no way I could possibly be racist…” White President of Liberal Arts College
“…and my grandparents were the first people in their town to hire African American employees, which taught me everyone is the same and has the same opportunities as long as I was around to make everything better…” White President of Public Flagship Institution
“…One of my college roommates was from Jamaica. We were the best of friends. That’s why I’ve started my annual ‘International Lunch Day’ at every campus I’ve worked for. It promotes real dialogue and understanding…” White President of Metropolitan Arts School
Last week, the College implemented a new program called Smile Fridays. “Some places have casual Fridays, that let staff dress down once a week,” explained human resources director Abigail Jobes. “At Cramer College, staff are required to smile all day. We’re convinced that forcing people to act happy will lead to friendlier, happier, more productive work places.”
Cramer College president Jonah Pucket fully supports the Smile Fridays campaign. “I’ve given human resources my full support to reprimand staff who do not comply. We can’t wait to see morale improve so staff will vote to put Cramer on the Chronicle’s list of best places to work next year.”
Over the past year, Cramer has earned a reputation for innovative personnel policies. “This fall, we doubled the number of staff meetings on campus in order to improve communication,” said Jobes. “Surveys show that staff communication has not improved at all, but we use that feedback to inspire us to be better. We haven’t asked the staff, but we’re sure Smile Fridays will fix our problems.”
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