News

Employees with Douchebag Spouses Wait Nervously for UNLV Decision

Print Friendly, PDF & Email

Employees with Douchebag Spouses Wait Nervously for UNLV Decision

As University of Nevada – Las Vegas President David B. Ashley awaits his fate with the Nevada Board of Regents, thousands of college staff members across the country wonder how the decision could impact them. According to the Chronicle of Higher Education, Nevada Chancellor James E. Rogers is aggressively seeking the president’s termination for reasons that include “treatment of UNLV employees by the president’s wife and by extension the president.”

“My husband is a douchebag,” said a staff member at Texas A&M who wished to remain anonymous. “He never tips waiters and he acts like a buffoon at Aggie football games. Am I going to be fired now? We’re a one-income family because the a——e can’t get along with coworkers.”

A leaked memo to maintenance workers at a large state university in Florida revealed that the institution’s president is aware of the closer scrutiny – and scared. In the memo, the president said, “I know my wife is a spoiled brat who has called you for everything from changing our children’s diapers to deferring dorm housekeeping in order to pick up dog doo. I just beg that you will keep this behavior on the down-low. She loves having servants, and you’ve been the best servants a guy could ask for. I don’t think I could live with her if I lost my job.”

The Board of Regents will meet in August to review President Ashley’s situation.