While many college students are too young to understand the impact Michael Jackson had on the music world, many undergraduates are seeking assistance from campus counseling centers to treat the anxiety caused by the plethora of skanky wanna-be celebrities in the mainstream news.
“We’ve had students come to us with nervous tics and night sweats since Mr. Jackson passed away,” said Wes Sharver, Director of Counseling at St. Rutherford’s College. “Seeing pseudo-celebrities rise from the ashes of their dead careers provokes an ironically similar sensation we administrators had watching zombies in the ‘Thriller’ video.”
“Seeing Corey Feldman and Star Jones on the legitimate news networks is weird,” said St. Rutherford’s junior Jason Rawlson. “I thought I could handle it, but I started having nightmares last night about Webster. He was stabbing Macauley Culkin in the face and begging Larry King to interview him.”
“This is all normal,” assured Hovart University’s Dean of Grief Psychology Sheila Rozzetti. “Burned-out has-beens try to find existential meaning by exploiting the deaths of people who actually had talent – except for Anna Nicole Smith, of course. She had no discernable talent.”