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Students Elated by Announcement of “Real” Commencement Speaker

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gradnAfter years of scientific dignitaries and social change agents, students at St. Rutherford’s College (SRC) in Hillmont, IL celebrated the announcement this week that its administration would commit to better commencement speakers.

In a press conference Tuesday, St. Rutherford’s president, Catherine O’Hanahan announced, “Starting in May, 2010, we will welcome only stand-up comedians and popular debutantes to serve in the honored role of graduation speaker.” Soon after her announcement, SRC students inundated Facebook with status updates such as “Finally, I’m at a real college!” and “Hooray! Jimmy Carter was such a freakin’ snooze.”

SRC Student Body President Rodney Rupert took much of the credit for the College’s decision. “I’ve worked very hard to bring a sense of pride to the SRC campus, and having a celebrity at graduation is the hallmark of an excellent school. I can’t wait to see who the first one is. I hope it’s A-Rod!”

While no official announcement will be made about its 2010 speaker until March, President O’Hanahan did hint that the Board of Trustees had made an offer to a celebrity who was known for espousing strong Catholic values. “I can’t give anything away,” said the president, “but it rhymes with Hell Ribson.”