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Math Researchers Discover Diversity Really Is a Number

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After years of painstaking research, a team of mathematicians from Cal Tech and MIT have found definitive proof that diversity is indeed a number. Sixteen.

“We have finally put and end to the ongoing debate between social scientists and real science,” said team leader Hassan Patel, chair of MIT’s Department of Hard Sciences. “Our research shows that the number sixteen is magical, and remarkably elusive. Unless your organization has sixteen, you cannot define yourself as diverse.”

When asked whether sixteen was a percentage, a raw number or a variable, Patel shook his head. “We are still at the beginning stages of defining the cultural diversity phenomenon. We are thrilled to be the first to publish the newly approved ‘Theorem of Sixteen’ but this is only the beginning of our work.”

Cultural anthropologists and directors of multicultural affairs from around the country are meeting next month in Washington DC to regroup. “Perhaps we’ve been stuck in a cycle of overthinking our objectives,” postulated Venitia Jackson, president-elect of the National Human Diversity Project. “Clearly, our long-held assertions that multicultural diversity was a social construct that included community values, climate and mutual respect, were wrong. We need to rethink our budgeting and programmatic priorities in order to properly emphasize quantification and tokenization. This is an exciting time of change for us.”