Freshman Orientation Programs Overtake God in Perceived Ability to Fix Everything in the World

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For the first time in the 72 years that the National College Measuring Service (NCMS) has been assessing the factors impacting college student success, God comes in second.

NCMS analyst Joseph Monk was shocked. “It’s always been a close race between freshman orientation and God, but since we made it through the 1960s with God still in the lead, we never thought we’d see this shift happen in our lifetimes.” According to NCMS’s most recent survey, God received 37% of the fixability vote. Orientation received 38.7%.

“This stat makes absolute sense, if our campus is any example,” noted Professor Heidi Ghoshkap from the College of Central Pittsburgh. “I still have students who plagiarize and drink even though they’re not twenty-one. I don’t know what they’re doing at orientation, but they need to fix this. I think they could also make students more socially conscious if they tried harder. I’d like to have a freshman seminar class here. I think more time with students would fix everything.”

Disciplinary issues like cheating and underage drinking have always been the top problems perceived as fixable by a 4-day orientation or freshman seminar, but God was still assumed to be a more capable fixer. “We suspect that God isn’t as tech-savvy as our orientation staffs, now,” hypothesized Monk. “With the overwhelming amount of illegal downloading happening on our campuses, the public seems more willing to trust that orientation can fix it.”