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Rural College Evacuates after Dumb-Ass Terrorism Threat

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The University of Montana – Rural Branch evaluated 400 students and staff members after a custodian reported a suspicious powdery substance coming from a box at the UMRB post office. Federal agents for the Department of Homeland Security revealed the substance to be mold.

“Tommy Masserman’s grandma sent him some cookies for Valentine’s Day,” explained Mo Kerns, the director of campus safety. “Everyone knows students don’t check their mail. The cookies were so moldy we had to get experts to identify them. They were peanut butter chocolate chip.”

UMRB president Russell Willick assured the community that the inconvenience was actually a campus success. “Federal officers will follow up with Grandma Masserman. We’re not sure what she was thinking, but she will be held accountable. We feel terrible for Tommy and the rest of his family, who have been terribly embarrassed by the whole ordeal. The good news is we’ve implemented a system that allows us to send emergency text messages so we can evacuate in situations like this. If real terrorists attack rural Montana, we’ve shown that we have a model reaction plan.”