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Exposé: Cool College Kids Revealed to Have Been High School Nerds

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In a shocking revelation this week, thousands of cool college students were exposed as former nerds. Professors are unsure what to think, and colleges are wondering how to address the enraged students and parents who have befriended the disguised geeks.

“I guess I never actually asked my roommate if he was a dweeb, but I didn’t think I had to,” said Timmy White, a Pi Lambda Rho brother from Louisiana University. “We signed up to room together again next year, before I found his high school yearbook and realized he was in the band and the math club. Now, I’m not sure what to do.”

White’s sentiments are shared by many other students who recently learned that they have been hanging out with nerds. Former geeks have turned up in leadership positions throughout many campuses. Resident assistants, orientation counselors and even student senate members are turning out to be nerds. Perhaps the most surprising admission came from Dwayne Matthews, the newly elected student body president from East Lansing Institute of Technology (ELIT), who won his election by a landslide in April.

“I don’t think it should matter what I was in the past,” wrote Matthews in a letter to ELIT’s campus newspaper after this nerd background was exposed by one of the candidates he beat. “College should be a place where students can reinvent themselves.”

“I wish it were that easy,” said ELIT Vice President of Student Affairs, Brenda Quincy. “Many of our most popular students are turning out to be nerds. These are the students we hired to be role models. We will have to make some careful decisions about whether their decision to misrepresent themselves will result in job termination.”

Offices of diversity affairs have begun to ask campuses to include more inclusive language in communications. “Nerds, we’re learning, can be an invisible minority – just like gays. But our nerds shouldn’t have to hide,” said Ross Jefferson, director of multicultural affairs at St. Rutherford’s College. “The acronym AALANA [African American, Latino American and Native American] may need another N. Unfortunately, that would make us sound like an Alcoholics Anonymous group. We’re just not sure what to do.”

The Cronk will continue to investigate.