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No One At Cal Tech Will Score a Date This Weekend

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“Thanks a lot, Princeton Review” said a sign hanging in the window of a Cal Tech student apartment this week. “Now I’ll never get laid.”

As the US media regaled the success of Penn State in achieving noteriety as this year’s “#1 Party School,” Cal Tech students responded cheerlessly to the news of earning the status of Students Who Study the Most.

“It’s not that we’re not proud of our academic reputation,” said computer nanoengineering major Daniel Rottingham. “We just didn’t appreciate that the Princeton Review had to open their big mouths and tell everyone.”

“Don’t worry,” said someone from the Associated Press. “We don’t actually care about academic achievements. The party school is the only thing we’ll pay attention to this week.”