Greg Ellison made a fool of himself by acting too cool at his freshman orientation at Meadowlands Community College last week. “We couldn’t believe he was such an a—–e,” said Greg’s orientation leader Debbie Wantanoh.” He muttered under his breath and acted like a jerk when we made him to join hands in our human [...]

As a new academic year commences, when do you think we will see the first 2009-10 plagiarism allegation involving a college president? Take your best guess in the comment section. If you guess any other details correctly, you could be added to the CronkNews Office Pool Hall of Fame. Ready. Set. GO!

Steve “Sparkz” Primo, a disc jockey for college radio station WHHU at Herbertville University received three months of on-air probation for being caught with Beyonce’s latest CD I Am… Sasha Fierce. “I found the disc in his car,” said fellow DJ Keith Lizbran. “First he denied [the CD] was his and I believed him. Later, [...]

After months of long meetings and editing sessions, the Retention Task Force at the Dean Smith College in North Carolina has submitted the best report in the world. “I knew they were working hard, but wow!” said Garth Kennert, Vice President of Enrollment, who charged the committee with writing the report. “I feel very proud [...]

As predicted, Indiana University’s decision to induct Bobby Knight into its athletic hall of fame has brought mixed reactions and accusations of hypocrisy. IU has responded with an innovative creation: The H2Onor Code. “The H2Onor Code is a watered down version of our current code of conduct,” explained IU spokesman Chester Gorney. “We use bold [...]

Should tour guides walk forwards or backwards? It’s a complicated issue that has perplexed and enraged both educators and the public. Until now, no news company dared confront the issue, but in its August 18, 2009 article, “Colleges Seek to Remake the Campus Tour,” the New York Times cracked the case. We expect verbally violent [...]

The National College Measuring Service (NCMS) has released the results of its 2009 Faculty Values Assessment. Don Kraut, who managed the project, announced surprising results in the area of “Top Anxiety Causers.” In order, professors reported the following fears: Twitter and other new technology Swine Flu Mean students Mean colleagues “We expected some of the [...]

Riding on the momentum of its announcement that it might ban Twittering from the stands at its athletic events, the Southeastern Conference is now brainstorming other ways to make sure home viewers tune in to the televised games. “If we can control leaked Tweets, perhaps we can take things to the next level and ban [...]

Two Tennessee school districts have settled with the ACLU and reversed their policy of blocking gay/lesbian Web sites from school computers. “Of course they were disappointed,” said a friend of the school board, “but now we can get down to the real evil – cupcakes and hugs. The devil comes in many forms.”

“Our public safety office has always told us to call if we see anything suspicious,” said Agnes Garmo, who was reprimanded this week for making nuisance calls to campus authorities. Garmo, the assistant director of math tutoring at New Macedon College, KY, called three times in one night to report “scary and dangerous behavior by [...]