Math and Physics Professors Collaborate to Explore FERPA Loophole Theorem

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Funded by a grant from Ohio Senator Sherrod Brown, scientists from Harvard and MIT are looking more closely at the oft-theorized “FERPA Loophole.”

Mathematical theorists have studied knot formations in space and nature, but not yet in higher education law. “We’re pioneers in taking on the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act to uncover its mysteries and nuances,” wrote Dr. Pablo Sucinero from MIT in his grant proposal. “We were afraid the NCAA had beaten us to the punch with recent re-uses of the FERPA laws in order to avoid disclosure of misdeeds.”

Faculty and staff colleagues will provide qualitative data to Dr. Sucinero, as they have masterfully used waivers and technicalities to slip through the FERPA Loophole straight from earth. “I didn’t realize it was such a wondrous phenomenon,” admitted Rita Koehlson, Associate Dean of Academics at Fleur du Lac College in Florida. “I’ve found all sorts of ways to blab to parents about their knuckleheaded kids.”

Senator Brown hopes that loosening the FERPA knot will provide more open dialogue with parents of college students, but some parents are not as supportive of the attempts as predicted.

“I sent my son to college so they could deal with his vomit and laziness,” said Shawn Dillster, a lobbyist for Keep FERPA Strong. “I pay plenty of tuition money so I don’t have to hear about it.”

Students surveyed about FERPA indicated the law had nothing to do with them and they couldn\’t care less.