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National Losers Club Celebrates New Sleep Study

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A new study suggests that seven hours of sleep is optimal for long life. Losers all over the world are celebrating with theme parties that range from “See, I Told You” Soirees to “Abstinent for Life” mixers.

I know people who stay up late to have a social life or work on their life-long passions, but who’ll be laughing when they die? Me,” said Riley Higganbotham, the secretary for the National Club for Losers. “I used to think I wanted to pursue my love of painting and maybe go out on dates once in a while, but now I reject that sort of self-sabotage that pop culture uses to tempt us.”

Universities such as Boston College, that have made concerted efforts to increase late-night programming in order to offer alternatives to dangerous alcohol use, are now a target of the Losers’ club. “Instead of fighting drinking, we think those universities should promote a safe seven hours of sleep,” suggests Higganbotham. “Now that this research exists, I think kids will find sleeping peacefully cooler than going to a fun party.”