Please mark your calendars for Friday’s pity party to honor Gwendalin Dixon. Gwendalin has been reassigned from her role as Vice President of Academic Affairs to step into the newly created Director of Special Secret Programs position. In this position, which was specifically designed for her unique and wonderful skill set, Dr. Dixon will be kept out of the way except for occasional noon sightings at the campus cafeteria, at which she will look a little embarrassed and sad.
Friday’s pity party will include cupcakes, punch, and whispered conversations such as “Even though she’s keeping her $200,000 salary and she doesn’t have to do any real work, I still feel sorry for her. Weird, huh?”