Barely beating out two other colleges this year, Portland Maine University (PMU) became the first institution in the country to recruit a perfect freshman class.
“Faculty and staff have been urging us to recruit perfect students,” said director of enrollment, Tobey Tuttle, “and this year we got sick of the requests and just did it. Instead of accepting the usual bunch of students that include a representative number of cheaters, partiers and whiners, we went ahead and rejected the bad apples.”
PMU is now wondering how the perfect class could impact administrative structures. “We don’t need any discipline officers this year since no students will drink alcohol, and our tutoring center will have zero activity from our freshman class,” said vice president of finance Roderigo White. “It may be possible to fire several staff members, which would really help us during this economic time. We’re ecstatic!”
Dean of the PMU faculty, Patsy Weinhoffer, is equally optimistic. “Now that we don’t have to deal with plagiarism or teach students how to write properly, we can have exciting, engaging discussions everyday in class. No one will change majors, so our faculty advisors can cancel office hours and focus on research.”