The past decades have seen revolutionary changes in sex-unfriendly dorm mattress technology, along with noble reasons for the innovations.
“I have chafing marks on my back from dorm sex,” complained student Corrine Bing. “It\’s hard enough fitting two people into a twin bed, but it\’s really humiliating when the rubber mattress makes those weird friction noises.”
“We scrapped the cotton padding years ago to add an ugly plastic liner that keeps bedbugs from taking up residence,” explained Jim Hubbins, CEO of Mostress Matress, an abstinence-centric bedding specialist. “As a bonus, any student with tastefully light-colored linens will have our signature black or electric-blue mattress showing through like permanent oil stains.
“Parents love to hear about the advancements in anti-sex mattress technology,” said Matilda O\’Malley, the mildly snotty director of housing at St. George John University. “Students have tried to pack things like eggcrate foam to make their beds more comfortable, but we\’ve banned those with clever fire-safety codes.”