News

No Rich Kid Left Behind Consortium

Print Friendly, PDF & Email

Trustees from over thirty liberal arts colleges met last week to discuss forming a private consortium aiming to advocate for American rich kids. Details about the meeting have not been released, but the group, calling themselves the “No Rich Kid Left Behind Posse” have leaked key details to the press.

According to insiders, rich kids must meet the following criteria in order to receive support:

  • Students must attend schools with tuition over $45,000/year

  • Students must be full-pay enrollees with zero academic merit scholarship funding

Upon acceptance, rich kids will receive the following:

  • No rich kid will go without a “close friend of the family” who is a high-powered attorney, in case the student needs to make false threats about lawsuits when he doesn\’t get his way

  • All rich kids will receive lower judicial sanctions if caught breaking policies on campus
  • Each rich kid will be guaranteed interviews with the top companies attending campus job fairs

While many rich kids receive these opportunities already,” said one anonymous trustee, “too many go without. We want to make sure the playing field is level for all these students.”