Multiple Immediate Openings Metropolitan University, NY Needed: Several credentialed wellness instructors to teach numerous sections of University’s mandated “Happiness Through Nutrition and Fitness” course. Requirements Must have advanced degree in Physical Science, Nutrition or a related field. Must be visibly overweight and comfortable using scripted PowerPoint presentations about the countless rewards of eating well and [...]

Multiple Immediate Openings Metropolitan University, NY Needed Several credentialed wellness instructors to teach numerous sections of University’s mandated “Happiness Through Nutrition and Fitness” course. Requirements Must have advanced degree in Physical Science, Nutrition or a related field. Must be disgustingly fit, but still hyper-worried about body image. Preference will be given to candidates who practice [...]

Elated by Tufts University’s announcement of a new policy forbidding students in college housing from having intercourse while a roommate is present, other institutions have followed suit by making rules that will protect the fragile millennial generation from having to deal with real-life conflicts. Most recent policies include: St. Libertine College has forbidden crunching potato [...]

CronkNews.com has challenged its staff, through manipulation, threats and temper tantrums, to improve social networking. The goal: to attract 100 Twitter followers before Ashton Kutcher recruits 4 million. Results so far: 09/17/09 Competition Start Date 09/19/09 10/03/09 Kutcher Followers 3,548,800 3,621,866 3,754,142 CronkNews Followers 39 47 50 Uh oh. Kutcher is closing in on 4 [...]

In a humiliating act of powermongering, dozens of college presidents forced subordinant administrators to dress in red afro wigs and rubber noses in response to a rumor that the US News & World Report planned to add a new category “Physical Comedy” to the criteria for the famous college rankings. “It was a terrible mistake,” [...]