For seven consecutive days, the earth has inexplicably continued to spin, even after Northeastern University‘s announcement last Monday, November 23, that NU would terminate its football program. “According to modern astral-football theories, the world should have come to an end Tuesday morning,” said exhausted sports physicist Marcus Colton. “Our best hypothesis is that it has [...]

To: All the staff I supervise From: Heather O’Houlihan, Associate Dean of Administrative Services Re: Prohibited Christmas holiday time-of-year activities I just wanted to send my gentle annual reminder of banned behavior during this “special” time of year. Some people celebrate certain “things” or “events” in their private lives, but we must all remember to [...]

Howdy, SWACURH! Everything's bigger in Texas, and we love it! # Missing #ACUI in Cali. Have fun @vanhoosear @frankmichael @bethbare! # RT @LeahWescott Must catch up with @Chronicle after 2 days off. I wonder if the CA tuition hike is going smoothly. #highered # RT @LeahWescott Oops. CA tuition hike NOT going smoothly. Remember the [...]

We don’t know what they’re hiding, but we have to acknowledge the brilliance of the University of California’s Board of Regents for their amazing cover-up job. Last Thursday, November 19, UC Regents announced a 32% increase in tuition, leading to spirited protests and subsequent arrests on multiple UC campuses. Students, faculty and staff have banded [...]

In a stunning move, Lime County College, CA voted to abandon a 125-year tradition of tenure in order to implement a new system that involves granting professors a stack of Get-Out-of-Jail-Free cards. “We found traditional tenure practices tiresome,” said faculty chair Moses Stanley. “If I have to read another thick stack of portfolio materials, I [...]

Graduate students at the Galveston Institute of Technology (GIT) are close to completing a helpful new iPhone app for tenured professors who prefer not to interface with students. Projected for release next month: Homework Humiliator This app interfaces with online homework programs such as WebAssign. Professors can choose the degree of humiliation, including Level 1: [...]

From MIT to Cal Tech, nerds seeking interviews with top tech firms have shown up wearing the same ill-fitting business attire. Finally, staff members from career placement offices have engaged with social scientists to try better define the problem. “Every year, at our pre-interview workshops, we tell students to dress professionally, but we see the [...]

Leah Wescott, Editor-in-Chief of the new satirical blog the Cronk of Higher Education held a press conference Saturday to offer congratulations to Ashton Kutcher following a 2-month-long Twitter competition. As photographers snapped pictures, Wescott let her emotions show. Wiping a tear, she set aside her written script. “We’re just a bunch of hacks, trying to [...]

Wishing everyone at #NACA, #PACURH, #GLACURH, #IACURH and all the other CURHs the happiest of conference cheers. # Missing our friends at #GLACUHO. Hope you're having a great conference, everybody! # Help! Ashton Kutcher has 3,989,331 followers. Help CronkNews reach its goal of 100 before AK hits the magic 4 million! # Replacement for Fired [...]

Craig Patchen, the new director of admissions at Jaytown College in Nevada is setting new school records for outreach to prospective students and parents. “We expect to increase our applications by 35% this year,” said proud Jaytown president William K. Pleasant. Other colleges have begun to follow what is commonly coined as the “Pleasant Model” [...]