University Breathes Sigh of Relief. Student Not Dead — Just Doesn’t Own Cell Phone.

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Brendan may face additional charges for failure to have a Facebook account.

Moynihan University residents breathed a sigh of relief this week when a two-day manhunt revealed that missing student Brendan Schotz was not dead or abducted.

“The kid doesn’t have a cell phone,” said local police chief Tyler Gomez-Hernandez. “His roommate alerted us when Brendan disappeared and didn’t send any texts for two days. Turns out Brendan went home for a weekend. We found the behavior extremely troubling.”

Dean of students, Dr. Caroline Nunez, says the University has not decided whether or not to take disciplinary action. “Brendan technically didn’t violate any rules, but we feel he should be held accountable for creating such a terrible disturbance.”

“It never occurred to me that Brendan didn’t have a phone. I just thought he was dead,” said his roommate. “I’m not sure which would be worse.”