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Todd Fears Fraternity Just Using Him for His Brains

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"We love Todd," said . "
“We love Todd,” said pledge brother Clay “Guns” Watkins. “People say fraternities aren’t diverse, but where else would I be friends with someone like that?”

Computer science major Todd “Java Juice” Edwards started to suspect something was up this week, when his fraternity brothers from Pi Lambda Rho neglected to tell him about an important tradition called “Kegger Fridays.”

“I’m not sure anything is wrong,” said Edwards (nicknamed “Java Juice” by his big brother Frank “Frickin’ Dumb Ass” Douman). “After all, they did let me skip the regular initiation rituals – including Hell Night — because they said they wanted to support my academics. Frickin’ tells me I’m just paranoid, and he’s probably right. He seemed genuinely happy when I made dean’s list. Also, he took the fraternity oath to act like an honorable gentleman. He would never lie.”