H1N1 Closures Down While Chronic Whining Hits Record Highs

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The nation saw a recent decrease in H1N1-related school closings, but health care workers on college campuses fear a more problematic epidemic that has no cure.

Cases of chronic whining have increased over 430% in just the past four months,” said an exhausted campus health center director. “We thought we had seen the last of this plague after the 2006 black mold scare. Now, the whining is stronger than ever. We haven\’t seen numbers like this since the asbestos-caused hypochondria of the 1980s.”

Chronic whining is easy to recognize, but extremely difficult to prevent. Swine flu is airborne, while whining can be spread through suggestion or overprotective moms on the phone. Colleges can isolate students with swine flu, but whining can be spread on the internet, in casual conversations or even by posting “Cover Your Cough” flyers. Students, parents and staff from the so-called millennial generation are particularly susceptible.

Your best hope of resistance is to avoid the whiners,” says a brochure issued by the Center for Disease Control. “Although contact with a carrier is inevitable.”