As deadlines for 2010-11 departmental budget requests approach, idiot administrators, like Women’s Center director Judy Whacket of St. Bingham College, toil away, believing that if they can just find the right wording on their requests, their departments will receive increases for the first time in over fifteen years. “Oh, give me a break,” said St. [...]

by Irma Voigt Staff Reporter Nixon University announced Thursday its plan to implement a beauty requirement for graduating seniors. “The faculty overwhelmingly showed concern regarding the superficial appearance of students, particularly those that may go on to serve in alumni association leadership roles or even just wear their Nixon hoodies to the grocery store,” said [...]

Available Immediately, Several Vacancies Pattensen College, Missouri Description Supervisory-level positions in several departments require new personnel. Would oversee five to thirteen staff members who require constant affirmation and ego stroking. Requirements Must be friendly, patient and able to turn a blind eye to staff performance deficits. Supervisory experience optional. Ability to hold staff accountable for [...]

Last week, Professor Kristen Collisen bumped into Stefania Wu, a student from her Jane Austen Literature Seminar, in Wild Willie’s Adult Novelty Shop–an online retail establishment in Second Life. “I thought that looked like you, Dr. Collisen!” messaged Stefania. “How cool to see you online. I highly recommend that warming gel you’re looking at. Strawberry [...]

Op-Ed: Did CA Raise Tuition to Divert Attention from Some Really Unpopular Decision? http://ow.ly/GkB3 #highered #UCal # Just added CronkNews to the http://wefollow.com twitter directory under: #highered #studentaffairs #collegehumor #university #college # Thanks @EdCabellon for the http://wefollow.com line. Very handy! # Please Share: Reminder Memo about Required Holiday Sensitivity http://ow.ly/GRHJ #highered #studentaffairs # Astrophysicists Fail [...]

Quinn “Q-Bee” Benton, quarterback of the Arkansas Liberal Arts Acorns, forgot that he was actually a nobody this week when he wasn’t moved to the front of the seating line at Waffle House. “It was French Toast Friday, so we had a large crowd that night,” said Waffle House manager Roscoe Prodkin. “All of the [...]

The nation saw a recent decrease in H1N1-related school closings, but health care workers on college campuses fear a more problematic epidemic that has no cure. “Cases of chronic whining have increased over 430% in just the past four months,” said an exhausted campus health center director. “We thought we had seen the last of [...]

A student protest in Washington, DC, led by college activist group Students Making EnerGetic Meaningful Action (SMEGMA), attracted over 500 undergraduates from colleges around the nation yesterday. Students carried signs such as “Speed Up Health Care Reform!” and “Health Care Now!” “Congress is moving way too slowly, and we’re sick of it,” said Cynthia Kors, [...]

Following the refusal of Maryland’s state university system to comply with legislation mandating that each state college develop a porn policy, the University of Maryland assumed it had sealed its place in the Shock Value Hall of Fame. Unfortunately, their timing couldn’t have been worse. One member of the Board of Regents reflected, “Just when [...]