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Transcript from sophomore Chip Park’s recent conduct hearing

Hearing Officer: Chip, we’ve had reports from at least twenty-five residents and staff members in your residence hall, saying you’ve done things to humiliate them.

Chip: I’m not perfect, that’s true. I have a lot to think about and work out with my floor. Is it okay for me to go now and handle it privately?

Hearing Officer: Not yet, Chip. I’m afraid the damage you’ve done may be too much to be handled with a simple apology. You may have permanently tarnished your image and hurt your floor members so much that you’re not welcome on campus anymore.

Chip: Did my roommate tell you I donated $300 to his Help Haiti fund?

Hearing Officer: $300? That’s very impressive. You’re quite a philanthropist, aren’t you?

Chip: Oh, I don’t know. I really don’t want anyone to know it was me.

Hearing Officer: Now, where were we? Oh, yes – have you thought about applying to be an RA?