University Promises High Rankings and Equal Opportunity through $100,000 Tuition Pricetag

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by Leah Wescott

Pending accreditation, Hills University will open in Los Angeles next fall and set the college ranking systems on their ears. Having listened closely to recent debates about the University of Georgia’s tuition rates, Hills has perhaps the clearest branding image in the nation.

“We will be the first college to charge $100,000 a year for tuition. The ranking systems are designed to reward high costs and we’re the first school to fully take advantage,” said trustee George W. Hilton. “Don’t even utter the words ‘need blind’ in my presence. We promise prestige, and that costs money. We’re building a special office for shredding those what-do-you call-it ‘FAFSA?’ forms.”

In response to accusations that Hills will attract only rich white students, admissions director Wesley Cavallari says “Hills will attract the most special applicants. While places like Middlebury [which has had the highest tuition in recent years] have strong reputations, you have to be smart to attend. In many ways, we are democratizing the higher education system. As long as you can pay, you can attend Hills.”

When asked whether astronomical tuition rates would lead to high rankings, representatives for the Princeton Review and US News and World Report had no comment.