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by Leah Wescott
Editor-in-Chief

"He'll be okay," said the director of counseling. "We just successfully talked down the campus quarterback when he realized what being a D-III starter really means."

“He’ll be okay,” said the director of counseling. “We just successfully talked down the campus quarterback when he realized what being a D-III starter really means. The musician should be a piece of cake.”

Authorities at Hilton College found gorgeous eco-psychology major Grant Jessom crying in the closet of his dorm room after his roommate reported Jessom’s disturbing behavior.

“Last night, a talent agent came to my show at Grubby’s Bar, and he told me I w

asn’t very good,” Jessom told the campus security officers. “It just didn’t make any sense. I’m so popular, I have to have a record deal.”

“This is so unfair,” said fan Tawna

Conners. “He’s so hot, he has to be talented. No one has silky long hair like that and doesn’t have a label contract.”

“I slept with him after one of his shows,” said junior Brandi Vallon. “I had to wait a couple months to get a chance because he’s so sensitive and beautiful. Everyone knows he plays acoustic guitar like an angel and his eyes could melt you.”

“Every campus has a neo-hippy stud,” said the talent agent. “It’s not uncommon for these knuckleheads to mistake women’s attention for musical taste.”