by Leah Wescott
Authorities at Hilton College found gorgeous eco-psychology major Grant Jessom crying in the closet of his dorm room after his roommate reported Jessom’s disturbing behavior.
“Last night, a talent agent came to my show at Grubby’s Bar, and he told me I w
asn’t very good,” Jessom told the campus security officers. “It just didn’t make any sense. I’m so popular, I have to have a record deal.”
“This is so unfair,” said fan Tawna
Conners. “He’s so hot, he has to be talented. No one has silky long hair like that and doesn’t have a label contract.”
“I slept with him after one of his shows,” said junior Brandi Vallon. “I had to wait a couple months to get a chance because he’s so sensitive and beautiful. Everyone knows he plays acoustic guitar like an angel and his eyes could melt you.”
“Every campus has a neo-hippy stud,” said the talent agent. “It’s not uncommon for these knuckleheads to mistake women’s attention for musical taste.”