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Non-Drinker Caught Using Sacred “I Was Drunk” Excuse

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by Leah Wescott
Editor-in-Chief

"Jamilla wouldn't even
“Jamilla wouldn’t even do shots with us at her suitemate’s birthday party,” said one classmate. “How can she expect the same social privileges as someone more worldly?”

Jamilla Conrad, a well-known nonpartier at Mount Champaign College, was caught recently invoking the sacred “I was drunk” excuse for poor behavior.

“I panicked when my roommate found out that I’d gone out with her ex-boyfriend, and I said the first thing that came to my mind,” said Jamilla. “Now, no one in the dorm will talk to me, and I’ve had nasty notes slipped under my door all week.”

“Jamilla tried to use the excuse without earning it,” said dormmate Jerry Wolf. “When I took a dump in the study lounge, I was completely trashed, so people understood. If I’d been sober when I set the floor microwave on fire, they would have reported me to the RA, but since I couldn’t help my behavior because I was so wasted, they kept me safe. Jamilla just doesn’t get it.”

“I’ve banged a lot of my friends’ boyfriends,” said Krysti Follard, a friend of Jamilla’s roommate, “but I always made sure I was drunk. That’s the rule. If you don’t want accountability, you have to be willing to drink. Jamilla thinks she can take the easy way out, and everyone knows that’s just not fair.”