Colleges Fear Repercussions of Not Granting Tenure to Jerk

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Universities have begun sending lobbyists from both academic and financial affairs to Ohio University in hopes of influencing a particularly contentious impending tenure decision. Heated debate surrounds the alleged uncivil behavior of tenure candidate, Bill Reader.

“Every campus gives tenure and promotions to cantankerous egomaniacs,” said one lobbyist from an academic affairs advocacy group. “It\’s part of our identity to have at least one abusive asshole in each department. We can put up with insults and harassment if it means we don\’t have to deal with conflict. It\’s so much nicer to avoid confrontation.”

“It\’s also the ethical thing, fiscally,” said an anonymous Vice President of Finance. “These jerks are predisposed to be litigious, and we don\’t want to waste students\’ precious tuition money on lawsuits. I thought tenure was supposed to be about scholarship, not a popularity contest.”