Lane Kiffin’s 5 Tips for a Fantastic Valentine’s Day

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by Tweed Walters and Leah Wescott

He may be college football’s most controversial coach. He follows his heart, plays with passion and has a smokin’ hot wife. Who better to play Cupid this holiday weekend? We bring you…

Lane Kiffin’s 5 Tips for a Fantastic Valentine’s Day

1) Pick a sweetheart for Valentine’s Day. Say great things to build up her hope and self-esteem. Run away in the middle of the night. Leave her out in the cold and crush her soul, making her a hot mess of vindictiveness and distrust.

2) If the Valentine’s sweetheart you have chosen suddenly becomes too aggressive, call on your dad for help. His defense will stop her cold.

3) If flowers and promises don’t attract your Valentine, send someone a Hostess Cupcake: “real pretty, real nice, just real cool.” Works every time.

4) It’s not illegal to look. Just because someone is only thirteen doesn’t mean you can’t exchange promise rings.

5) Stay friends with your exes. Just because you have a sweet deal doesn’t mean you don’t have feelings for your former partners. When in doubt, have one of your assistants make the calls for you.

Bonus: When all else fails, look her dead in the eye and tell her, “It’s time.” Game over.