NCAA Predicted to Adopt Entitle IX So Every Player Can Start

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In a March Madness season full of upsets and dramatic underdog stories, the NCAA thinks the time might be right to consider a rule change that would democratize team sports.

What we\’re proposing is a waiver of the \’Too Many Players on the Field\’ rule at the beginning of each game,” explained an NCAA spokeswoman. “Every player would begin the game. That way, no student has to feel embarrassed by his or her marginalized status as a non-starter.”


The Entitle IX rule was originally introduced by the parents of Jimmy DeMichiel, a four-year bench sitter for Mother Madre University\’s basketball team.

Our son goes to the same amount of practices and does the same lay-up drills as the so-called \’elite\’ starters,” said Mrs. DeMichiel. “It\’s not fair that he doesn\’t get to start – especially when we donate so much money to the school.”

Entitle IX was originally proposed two years ago, but received little attention. It recently gained momentum when the DeMichiels recruited the National Association of Development Departments (NADD) to co-sign the bill.

Development officers live or die based on cash donations,” said a NADD representative. “By allowing all athletes a starting position, we can more easily massage the wallets the more privileged parents during capital campaign time. Everyone wins.”

Coaches have offered little resistance to the proposed plan, despite the radical changes it would require.

I\’d consider a return to coaching if this passed,” said college basketball coaching legend Bobby Knight. “Otherwise, I just don\’t want to deal with the stress parent management.”

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