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Taking a lesson from the mantra of bitchy high school teachers who invoke the common “You’ll never get into college” threat, professors from across the country have begun to experiment with new varieties of the classic “You’ll never get a job” verbal assaults. Dubbing the threats “Neo-Modern Engagement Techniques,” they seek to engage students with course material often criticized for irrelevence.

My Victorian French Poetry students fail to see the importance of my class,” complained Dr. Mariah Wembley while eating a lunch of microwaved popcorn in her department’s copier room at the University of West Kansas. “If they have such a poor work ethic when it comes to keeping up with their poetry blogs, I don’t see how they think an employer will want to hire them.”

Band conductor Daniel Winkham agreed. “I told my students they will fail miserably at tomorrow’s job fair because they stayed up all night working on their résumés instead of finishing the chapters I assigned them in my Theories of Musicology class,” he said. “I think of my one-credit class as a lesson in character building, and they’re all failing.”

Staff in the University of West Kansas Department of Career Counseling have begun to panic at the reports from faculty.

We have always boasted a ninety-five percent hiring rate for our graduating seniors,” said career counselor Joanie Rupert. “According to faculty reports, we may be looking at unsuccessful placement rates of sixty to eighty percent this spring. We’re not sure how to respond.”

Junior Kyle Latimore seemed relatively unfazed by the predictions. “I’m hoping employers hire with the same kind of curve my Latin professor used to grade us this semester. I never got anything over a sixty in that class, but I still scored a B+.”