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"Professor Perkins verbally abused Bettie to the point of crying yesterday," said Spacek. "We had to back him up, obviously, but thankfully Administrative Professionals Day is coming so she'll forget all about it."

In a longstanding tradition, supervisors are making plans to recognize administrative staff in an annual ritual that absolves bosses’ responsibility for all marginalizing behavior. As an example, in honor of Administrative Professionals Day on April 27, it is predicted that secretary Bettie Quincy, assistant to the director of academic advising at Queen Isabella College, will once again put her plan to resign aside after receiving a 1-800-FLOWERS bouquet and a Hallmark card signed with sixteen different versions of “We couldn’t do anything without you, Bettie!”

Last year, we had to buy balloons, too,” explained chief advisor Maureen Spacek. “We had been particularly brutal to Bettie that year, and we knew she was planning to quit before budget analyses were due. None of us has a clue about how the accounting works, so we used Administrative Professionals Day to take evasive action.”

This year, we might have to add a sheet cake on Bettie’s birthday,” predicted another advisor. “We haven’t told her yet, but all of the salaried people on the staff are getting raises while the hourly staff won’t. We’ve made our student workers promise to come sing ‘For She’s a Jolly Good Bettie’ if the cake doesn’t work.”