After whispers of questionable hiring practices surfaced last week at the main office of the Cronk of Higher Education, CronkNews.com was able to obtain a leaked copy of successful candidate Erica Price’s letter of applications. Known as “EricaPriceCronk” on Twitter.com, Price seems to have offered a substantial bribe to editor Leah Wescott in return for the coveted unpaid servile position.
We have printed the letter in its entirety below. Leah Wescott has not replied to Leah Wescott’s request for an exclusive interview.
Your recent posting on your website for an intern has made me realize that the chance to intern with the Cronk News offers the transformative professional development opportunity that I have always wanted in the course of my six months of experience in higher education.
First, the office space. The chance to develop my career in faux journalism from the comfort of my own studio apartment in the bad neighborhood I live in offers me the chance to avoid commuting costs and honor Mother Nature by reducing my carbon footprint. My Toyota Corolla that I got for my high school graduation in 2006 is not the greatest and my mom said that once I graduated college I was on my own. So, this is perfect to avoid the wear and tear on my car and not having to keep asking my dad for a ride to work.
Also, I believe that my vast experience as a college student makes me a perfect writer. I was involved in most everything available on campus and just graduated from Rutherford College here in Indiana last year. I was voted “Most Likely to be the Dean of Students” by the school paper and have degrees in Social Media Management, Satirical Writing, and Administrative Psychology. In addition, when I ran out of leadership opportunities in the Student Senate at Rutherford, I started seven new student organizations and was president of all of them. Some criticized me for wanting to accumulate resume credentials but it’s hard to ignore the legacy I have left at Rutherford when reviewing just one of my organizations, Students Needing Active Reality Knowledge (SNARK) and how far it has come. During my “down time,” I have also offered my peppy and cheerful demeanor through hours of service to people on Rutherford’s Alternative Break Programs. Trips have included a service immersion program that brought cheerful visitors to the Grumpy Food Service Staff Headquarters and a Spring Break trip to the the Home for Retired Satirical Writers.
The benefits of the job are also very attractive to me. The availability of powdered creamer for the coffee is ideal, as opening the little packets of half and half at my current job is an inefficient waste of time I could be spending on writing. My current job as a volunteer direct mail manager for the Rutherford University Alumni Office has taught me the perfect technique for folding letters in envelopes, how to talk with really rich people on the phone, and the differences between ordering whole grain versus wheat bread on my boss’ lunch order. The references to the learning opportunity in confronting sexual harassment is right up my alley as I’m already getting some inappropriate emails from Brody Truce since my first article ran in the Cronk News. He makes me uncomfortable but yet… he’s pretty hot. (from one cartoon head to another).
It is clear that I have a lot to offer the Cronk News and I would be happy to join your team. I look forward to the chance to interview with you for this position. In the meantime, I just went ahead and created a new email address ExxxxxxxCronk@xxxx.com and a new EricaPriceCronk twitter account. I have also enclosed my picture so you can see how well I will fit in with the team.
You can reach me via my dad’s cell phone if you need to call, but I’d prefer you didn’t. I can’t afford a phone of my own and my dad forgets to give me messages.
p.s. My very wealthy uncle, Vincent Price, is also prepared to donate a rather large sum of money to endow the Cronk Scholarship to fund better conference interview wardrobes at ACPA and NASPA 2011. Just in case it helps.