In what was first thought a tragic mauling incident in the College of Ignatius zoology labs, investigators are now seriously considering the possibility of a rare case of egogurgitation.
“It appears that Professor H. Glenn Marks was engulfed by a student’s enormous ego,” said Crooks County forensic examiner Bucky Chalk. “The last person who saw Dr. Marks said he was talking to a grad student who refused to accept advice from the professor. According to the videos we retrieved from the zoology lab, the student kept saying, ‘I know, I know’ and rolling her eyes at the world-renowned scientist.”
Police say the student currently suspected has been extremely cooperative.
“Most students are nervous or suspicious when a uniformed officer knocks on the door,” said one officer, “but when we explained that she was a ‘person of interest’ in this case, the student seemed flattered.”
“Well, of course,” said the student’s mother. “I raised the most interesting child I know, and I’m sure she told you she went to the best college. She’s very mature, but I think she would have been disappointed if she hadn’t made the ‘most interesting’ list.”
The student, who has not been named, was unavailable for an interview. Roommates said she was out looking for a new suit for her investigation interview.
“I’m sad, but not surprised,” said a fellow-zoology professor. “That particular student was a high-performing undergraduate, and she entered our program with claims that she’s never made a mistake. From her comments in class about her countless accomplishments, we probably should have watched her for signs of egogurgitating. I’d noticed her swelled head once in class, but never followed up.”