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by Sasha Tremento
Freelance Writer

Based on data gathered in Facebook’s new privacy-free intellectual environment, CronkNews has identified the most popular tomes in college bookstores this week.

The Girl Who Played Solitaire in Her Cubicle, by Niels Blixssenn. The latest installment in the thrilling Millennial Quartet by the famed Norwegian software programmer.

Gorgon Ass-Whoopin’: Percy Jackson Meets His Match, by Rick Riordan. Definitely the final book in this acclaimed series, which is way too young for you college kids anyway. You think it’s cute to read novels written for tweens? What’s the matter — you stupid? Grow up already!

The Outhouse: A Spiritual Parable, by Earl Oldman. Where might you meet God? What would you ask him? Would there be room for both of you?

Would you light an aromatic candle, just as a courtesy? These and other questions are provocatively raised in this meditative self-published breakout best seller.

The Post-It Note, by Nicholas Sparks. The shortest yet of his epistolary romances. Tie-in edition to the forthcoming movie starring Dakota Fanning and Nick Jonas.

The Paralegal, by Arnand Cunnings. A heart-stopping thrill ride from the author of The Partner, The Associate, and The Mail-Room Guy.

Saying No to No, by Justine Roublaix, Ph.D., M.D., D.D.S., C.P.A. How to deny the negatives in your life, increasing your positivity. From the author of Saying Yes to Yes, Saying No to Yes, Saying Yes to No, and Saying Maybe to Perhaps.

The World Is Elliptical, by Thomas Friedman. Using an exercise machine as a brilliant and accessible metaphor for globalization, the famed New York Times columnist explains how the world is going to hell but why, just when you’re ready to soil yourself out of fear for civilization, our neoliberal good intentions will make it all work out OK in the end.

Twitch, by Malcolm Gladwell (seventh printing, with DVD). What do twitches mean? What causes them? What can we learn from them? Why are we sometimes tempted to make fun of them? Based on his award-winning 13-part New Yorker series.