by Aloysius St. Bernard
In an unexpected move last Thursday, residence hall director candidate John Hanson declared himself the new director of residence life at Peyton Randolph University, ousting Dr. Henry Laurens, who had served the small liberal arts college for twelve years.
The coup marked a symbolic changing of the guard from the aging Baby-Boomers to the technologically-savvy Millennial Generation. Hanson announced his ascendency using the popular micro-blogging service Twitter, which allows users to post brief public messages, known as “tweets” online.
Hanson first posted “I just became Mayor of Boudinot Hall on #foursquare!” as he arrived on campus for his interview. Foursquare, a location-based game, allows users to earn “badges” and titles as they post their various geographic locations on Twitter throughout the day.
Soon, messages about the interview made clear that a transition of power had taken place, first when Hanson changed his username on Twitter from @hansonmybrew to @directorhanson. Cronknews obtained the tweets, from a Twitter widget on his mother’s website. Virginia Hanson updates her own Twitter twice daily with information about what Johnny ate that day, how he’s doing in his classes, inconsiderate things his roommate has done, and transcripts of their thrice-daily phone conversations.
HansonMyBrew: Dude, I am totally rocking this interview. Too bad Captain Greyhair doesn’t seem to know it.
HansonMyBrew: I bet this guy doesn’t even use Twitter. I am going to totally wow him with my ePortfolio.
HansonMyBrew: Dude totally dissed me. Doesn’t want to see my ePortfolio! Hold my jacket, I’m going in!
DirectorHanson: I declare this interview OVER! Locked Capt. Grayhair out of office. He went to see if HR was ready for me.
DirectorHanson: This director chair is pretty flippin’ schweeeet! Who has 2 thumbs and is in charge here now? THIS GUY!
DirectorHanson: GTG, tweeps. I guess HR’s not ready. Looks like I get a tour with campus police instead. L8R!
Hanson would find his directorship short-lived. According to Tom Mifflin, director of university relations for PRU, Hanson was removed from campus, issued a 30-day no trespassing notice, and delivered to the airport for his 6:15 p.m. flight to Newark.
“We were able to remove the subject without incident,” said Mifflin, “and I am glad to report that we did not need to lock down the residence halls or activate other emergency protocols.”
Hanson spent the rest of the day tweeting about how the hall director position just wasn’t a good fit for someone with his experience anyway, and tailoring a new cover letter for residence life directorships at small colleges on the East Coast, as well as director positions in institutional assessment. “I totally rock at assessment.” Hanson explained. “You should see the new Twitter poll on my blog.”
Virginia Hanson couldn’t be prouder of her son’s initiative. “He’s a bright boy,” she bragged. “Sometime soon, he’ll find a position worthy of his immense talent. Until then, he can have his old room back, as long as he can stand me doing his laundry only twice a week.”