College Finds Secret to High Enrollment through Low Standards

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by Irma Pelt
Senior Staff Writer

Investigators seized documents from the Office of the Chancellor at Cagan College last week after receiving an inside tip of a cosmetic cover-up. Using funding from both the state and private donors, Cagan College completed extensive renovations of its thirteen campus buildings during the past year.

Summer Gustafson, lead investigator from the Higher Education Credibility Consortium (HECC), is examining the documentation.

\”It appears that Cagan administration is trying to cover up their poor performance with polished granite flooring and innovative ceiling architecture,\” said Gustafson. \”All signs point to building a facade on a fledgling school.\”

Cagan\’s paltry 28% graduation rate ranks it amongst the lowest in the state, however, new student enrollment numbers continue to grow annually.

\”This institution has perfected the art of putting on the shine,\” said Gustafson. \”No one in their right mind would enroll at this institution for academic reasons.\”

Ray Monroe, Chancellor of Cagan College, disputed the claims made by HECC.

\”Cagan demonstrates on a daily basis our commitment to the success of our students. Renovations aside, our policies clearly support the very real situations of our students,\” said Monroe.

Monroe pointed specifically to a policy that allows Cagan students to remain enrolled for up to two semesters without paying their tuition bills or related charges.

\”We recognize the challenges of paying for college. We\’ve created a system that permits students to work toward paying those bills instead of pressuring them to do so,\” Monroe explained.

According to HECC, this practice is both unethical and self-serving, but Monroe prefers to see the situation as win-win for the students and the institution.

\”We receive funding from the state per student enrolled. There is no incentive to wash students from their courses for non-payment,\” he said. “It\’s a model every tuition-driven school should seriously consider in order to break the stranglehold of tuition dependence. Do taxpayers know their good money is being spent on this HECC nonsense?”