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College Defends Physical Attractiveness as Admission Criteria

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by Dash Phillips
Freelance Writer

Community-action group Union of Grayson Humanists (UGH) staged a protest recently outside of the gates of Grayson College after a staff member leaked the college\’s rather curious admission criteria.

For years, Grayson College has been on the top ten lists in Playboy and Seventeen magazines for having America’s best looking student body. According to a source who works at the college, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, the issue emerged during a recent admissions committee meeting where staff members discussed applicants’ C-factor scores.

Allegedly, Rae Frenner-Gustafson, new to the staff, asked to what the ‘C-factor’ referred. She was told the C-factor stands for the “Cute factor,” a rating of each student\’s appearance, sexiness and quality of dress. “The C-factor is an integral part of the admission process at the College,” the source admitted.

“She said something like \’Cute! Really? As a criterion for admission to a college? This pushes to the limit every bound of ethics I’ve ever known. What’s next?\’” said the source. “She also asked whether, in addition to a minimum SAT score, we would require a minimum cup size for admission.”

Frenner-Gustafson resigned her position in the admissions office and went to her UGH meeting to explain the situation.

Norbert Crudson, UGH president, said, in response to questions, “Our board authorized the protest on the grounds that Grayson College’s practices are demeaning and dehumanizing.” He continued, “We want the College to reverse its ‘lookist’ policy and diversify its student body.”

Senior administration and trustees defended the admission practice to the media.

Studies have repeatedly indicated that physical beauty is one of the defining measures of future success,” said College President, Kurt Weathers Parker. “At Grayson College, we seek to ensure that every possible success is available to our alumni and we know their good looks make their success possible. Our alumni around the world score big time, be it in the board room, on the big screen, or hell, at the bar.” He added, “It pleases me to guarantee to parents who pay our tuition that the exceptionally beautiful child they created will also be among the most successful. Now, what’s wrong with that kind of return on their investment?”

Noelle Curtis-Watkinson, Chair of the College’s Board of Trustees said, “As an alumna of the college, I have always been pleased with how attractive we, as a community of learners, are. The college will adhere to ITS standards and not succumb to a politically correct agenda insisting that we offer admission to the ‘less-than-attractive.’” She went on, “Where would that end for this College – with an ‘ugly’ student body. That’s unacceptable to us. Everyone knows the world belongs to the good looking!”

Student reaction also supported the institution’s position.

Mathias von Heusen, president of the student government said, “I find the picketing, the signs, and all that yelling very unbecoming.” The 20-year-old popular culture major and Abercrombie & Fitch model continued, “Did you get a load of what those picketers looked like? UGH is right – UGH-leeee! I almost feel sorry for them.”

“I don’t get all the fuss UGH’s making,” said Cassandra Middleton, president of the college’s sorority governing body and featured Disney dancer. “The college should continue to assess prospectives’ looks and dress.” She added, “In my sorority, Alpha Iota Phi, we’re all \’cute\’ and look how successful we are!”