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Case Closed: Judge Judy To Serve as Judicial Affairs Director

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by Dash Phillips
Freelance Writer

A press release today from Whetstone College announced the appointment of Judge Judith Scheindlin as the College’s new Director of Judicial Affairs.

“We did a national search and no one’s credentials compared to Judge Judy’s,” said Dr. Fluorine Gordonson, Vice President for Student Life, Affairs, and Services to the press inquiring about the appointment.

“I was so tired of the judicial problems on campus and none of my previous directors seemed tough enough to handle the serious cases. Five minutes live with Judy and I knew we had the right fit,” she added.

Gordonson revealed Judge Judy’s intense interest and high level of understanding of the current trends in student development and judicial affairs.

“Prior to the interview, I asked Judy to read Learning Reconsidered 2,” Gordonson said. “When she arrived on campus I asked her to relate her reading to her role as Chief Judicial Officer. Intently, she reached into her leather bag, took out her copy of Learning Reconsidered 2, said nothing, and then tore it up right in front of me. She muttered something – I think it might have been ‘garbage,’ but I wasn’t sure. This kind of clarity is what’s been missing in our programs and services at Whestone College.”

After the announcement, CronkNews spoke with Judge Judy.

“They’re all liars,” she said. “If they weren’t they wouldn’t be sent to a judicial hearing in the first place. That’s my philosophy.” She added, “Look, after twenty years in the courts, don’t you think I know what I’m doing? I can handle these snot-nosed, Ritalin-gobbling, booze-addled, lazy college punks.”

When asked why she would give up presiding over her financially lucrative television court, Judy said, “Look, that’s a stupid question. I wasn’t born yesterday, you know. Anyway, I ask the questions around here.”

Students admitted their concern over the appointment.

“She’s one tough bird,” said Sarah Kensington, President of Whetstone’s Student Government Association. “I’ve seen her call witnesses ‘stupid’ and she’s even told some of the litigants in her court room to ‘shut up.’ I’m not sure she’ll treat Whetstone students with the respect they deserve.”

“I’ve always been able to put one over on the Judicial Affairs director,” said one student on the condition of anonymity. “I mean if I drank one or two beers too many and was called to a hearing, an easy excuse like ‘I broke up with my girlfriend’ got me enough sympathy for a reprieve. With Judge Judy in charge, I am definitely going to have to change my ways.”

Some enterprising student leaders saw the appointment as an opportunity.

“No one watches our campus TV station. It’s not like the weekly airing of the SGA budget hearings is raising the ratings,” said Joss Wallace, General Manager of the student run television station, “TV 3: The Stone.” He continued, “I am hoping we can get Judge Judy to air some of her actual conduct hearings live on our station – it would add some real drama to our boring program line up!”

Whetstone College revealed that there were other applicants in the running.

While we are extremely honored Judge Judy will be joining the administration, it was a tough decision due to the extremely talented and well known applicant pool,” said Whetstone President G. Franklin Barber III. He added, “Everyone knows that Judy’s the best!” Sources informed the CronkNews that rival TV Judge Marilyn Millian was the runner up in the search, leaving her free to preside over her own television courtroom.

“\’The People’s Court\’ television show will continue uninterrupted,” the source said.