Students Shocked to Discover Departmental Secretary Not Qualified to Provide Academic Assistance

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by Irma Pelt
Senior Staff Writer

Eddinger College is investigating multiple reports from students that Nancy Payton, secretary in the department of behavioral neuroscience, attempted to provide academic assistance to them.

I went in to the office because I was struggling with a lab assignment about neural mechanisms involved in obesity. I was hoping to make an appointment with my professor, but she said she could help me. She spent two hours explaining things to me,” said Richard Gibson, a graduate student in the department.

Gibson said that when his professor, Dr. Redrick Olin, reviewed the lab report, he commented that it was clear there was no understanding of the course material. Olin recommended that Gibson try reading the assigned chapters again.

I trusted her,” said Gibson. “At our orientation, they told us that Nancy was a lifesaver and could help us with anything.”

Olin explained that students often take that information literally.

It’s hard to effectively communicate with graduate students in science based programs. They struggle with metaphors, similes, hyperbole, anything that isn’t precise and exact,” Olin said. “We may have set them for up this.”

Payton submitted a written statement to human resources defending her actions:

Day after day, students come in asking for help with this shit. My GED is clearly posted on the wall above my desk, right next to my cat calendar. If I knew anything about that behavioral neuroscience crap, I wouldn’t be watering my crops on Farmville for ten dollars an hour.