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Study Confirms That University Is Better Without Students

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by Anselmo Watkins
Freelance Writer

A twelve-year study conducted by researchers at California\’s Pennsylvania University has definitively proven what thousands of university staff members have been saying for years – that the university is simply a nicer place to be when school is out of session and there are no students around.

The study will be published in the September issue of the prestigious journal Diary of University Happiness.

\”We can now say with almost incontrovertible proof that Pennsylvania University of California is a better place to be when it is not impacted by 12,000 students,\” said Professor of Sociology Phil Boss, the leader of the research team. \”This study has been based on thousands of hours of interviews, surveys, observations and research over the past three olympiads.\”

\”I had always thought it was nicer with no students here. The lines at the food courts aren\’t as long and there is plenty of parking,\” said Liam Curfing, a twelve-year employee of the university. \”But to see it backed up with a published study? Well that just cements it for me.\”

\”Students are always so needy, so demanding. It is just really uncomfortable working here with them around,\” admitted Dina Stokes, a six-year student affairs employee and one of the individuals interviewed in the study. \”It\’s always about them. \’My class got dropped,\’ or \’Where\’s my scholarship money?\’ or \’My roommate smells like patchouli.\’ Sometimes you just want to run away.\”

Gerg Fern, a former PUoC undergraduate who went on to take a job in the campus\’ Food Service Bureau said that he had a unique perspective on the study and agreed with the findings.

\”Oh my gawd, I hate to think of how I was as a student,\” the former Philosophy Studies major said. \”If the Gerg Fern of today met up with the Gerg Fern of my undergraduate years, I would totally want to kick my own ass.\”

Boss said that his study may help the university with future marketing and branding efforts.

\”I think it is clear that when recruiting staff or faculty to come to PUoC, we need to be very sensitive about limiting the appearance of students on our websites and print brochures. We want people to get excited about coming here, not intimidated,\” he said.

Boss stopped short of saying whether his results transferred over to other two- and four-year institutions.

\”You have to understand, this was an exhaustive study of Pennsylvania University of California. To carry it out on a national scale would require a huge grant. So, we are working on putting that together,\” Boss said, adding that he is strongly considering beginning his nationwide study on an open-ended sabbatical in Hawaii. \”We have to be thorough. Who knows how long this will take?\”