University Applies for Execution Permits as Preventive Conduct Measure

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Haney College is taking a daring new step in handling student disciplinary issues for the upcoming academic year. The college applied for three execution permits from the State of New York, justifying the application as a preventive measure related to ongoing conduct issues besmirching the institution’s reputation.

“It seems drastic, we realize that,” said Judicial Dean, Clint Shroyer. “It’s a necessary step in our students’ development. They need to understand that there are consequences to their actions – significant consequences.”

Shroyer plans to show students the execution permits at orientation and outline the institution’s learning outcomes for the permits.

“We really hope to not have to use them. Inevitably, though, someone will do something dumb during Welcome Week, like have an open container on the quad. We’ll use the firing squad as a lesson to show them we mean business,” said Shroyer.

During the past year, Haney saw an eight percent increase in alcohol violations on campus, raising concern with the Board of Trustees.

“I drank a few times in my room and had to meet with the hall director,” said Karla Wooding, a rising sophomore at Haney. “I thought that was bad enough, but now I can be killed for violating a policy? That’s not even worth it.”

“We see the permits as proactive,” said Shroyer. “It’s for the best interest of everyone. Sometimes you have to slaughter a lamb for the best interest of the rest of the flock.”

Haney has not consulted with the Association of Student Conduct Administrators (ASCA) on the plan or benchmarked with their peer institutions.