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Jesus Disappointed in Freshman Orientation

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by Brody Truce
Senior Staff Writer

Student affairs staff at Danberry Quaker College in Plymouth Meeting, PA scrapped their freshman orientation plan this week after a revelation from Jesus Christ stating that he was “disappointed” in the college’s orientation theme.

The revelation occurred during the weekly all-college Quaker prayer meeting, in which faculty and staff gather in silence to worship. Professor John Lakeland, head of the college’s faculty senate, felt moved to share a message from God during the meeting.

“Jesus said that he is disappointed in this year’s freshman orientation,” said Lakeland. His peers listened as he conveyed the details of Jesus’ disappointment, which seemed to center around the fact that the orientation lacked any roots in the academic life of the college. College executives moved quickly to put a new orientation plan into place, but at least one member of the student affairs staff seemed skeptical about Lakeland’s revelation from Jesus.

“All I’m saying is that Professor Lakeland and Jesus seem to have very similar concerns,” said Jenny Sweitzer, director of student activities. Sweitzer explained that Lakeland had expressed concerns about freshman orientation at a meeting earlier that week.

Unfounded or not, this is not the first instance of The Lord dabbling in college administration at Danberry Quaker College. This year, Jesus has also expressed disappointment in:

  • 1% faculty merit increase
  • Limited secretarial parking
  • The cafeteria’s beef stroganoff
  • The increased cost of ice cream cones
  • Rap music at school dances

Jesus could not be reached for comment.