White college personnel from across the country have sighed in collective relief, as Dr. Laura Schlessinger faces harsh criticism from liberals and conservatives alike following her recent use of racial epithets on her radio talk show.
“We were getting a little nervous,” said an anonymous university human resources director. “We haven’t hired a person of color for any position requiring a master’s degree or higher for several years, and I had just started to hear concerns about institutional insensitivity. I’m making anti-Dr. Laura banners right now for our college’s March Against Racism so we can deflect attention for at least the next couple years.”
“We thought we had a good target for our finger pointing with Mel Gibson after he yelled racial slurs at his girlfriend,” said Dr. Ashleigh Frohm, professor of anthropology at Grover College, “but he was just too crazy. We needed someone more American to start our ‘We’re Not Racist’ public outcry. We’ve had complaints of racial bias in our tenure approval process, but our consistent rejection of African American candidates has nothing to do with racism. Dr. Laura’s hateful diatribe shows what real racism looks like. We’re the good guys.”
Even students have expressed outrage at Schlessinger for her insensitivity.
“Dr. Laura is a hateful bitch,” said Meghan O’Hanrahan, president of the Irish Americans for Social Justice Club at Mother Madre University. “People Dr. Laura’s age are our leaders and role models, and they should be especially conscious of being open to all races. Thank goodness my generation doesn’t have racism anymore, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t all find ways to shame the older bigots until we’re in charge.”