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By Brody K. Truce
Senior Staff Writer

Fountain Hills College, renowned for publishing the nation’s most extensive student policy handbook, announced this week that it would ban men’s rugby matches. The announcement cited a yet unpublished policy surrounding flagrant public instances of homoeroticism.

The policy, one of fifteen new edicts to be announced in September, bans “any acts of public homoeroticism, either purposeful or accidental.” Sources at Fountain Hills College report that the policy was sparked after a pre-season rugby match against a rival school.

“It’s monsoon season in Arizona, so there was a lot of rain…and mud,” said Dr. Bonnie Mendoza, Dean of Students. “Accidental or not, there was a lot of male-on-male touching, lots of wet clothing and a good deal of grunting. Most civilized people would agree that this sort of behavior conjures images. Gay images.”

  • Also slated for banning under the new policy:
  • Male Square Dancing
  • Sunday football parties
  • Urinals less than 10 inches apart
  • Men wearing Hello Kitty watches
  • Men’s Capri pants
  • Two men jogging together in short shorts

Students are poised to protest when the 2010 student policy handbook is published in September. Interestingly, this policy is the first to unanimously unite the campus’s gay students and rugby team.