Humans and the Hulk: Not So Different, Four Loko Finds

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by Tweed Walters

"We heard she drank the watermelon flavor," said one of Matthews' students. "Everyone knows that 'Punch' is the safest."

Freelance Writer

Angela Matthews was your typical college employee: two dogs, the love of a good book, a pastel Snuggie, and an average daily coffee intake of two gallons. Like many residence life staff members across the country, Matthews looked forward to Thanksgiving as a time to relax with family and prepare to push through the final weeks of the semester.

Between tallying damage reports and budgeting for the next year, however, there was much work to be done before she could leave the office.

Thursday night, Matthews decided to put in extra hours in order to finish as much work as she could to ease her Friday workload. After working all day, she felt particularly run down and walked to the gas station around the block from her office. Once there, the dubious decision was made: it was late, she was tired, what could it hurt….? Matthews bought a Four Loko.

After hearing reports about Four Loko, for the better part of two weeks, Matthews felt the unique combination of energy drink and alcohol might fuel her with a burning fire of productivity. Upon returning to her office, she downed the 23.5 oz. can and groggily thought the fruit-flavored beverage wasn’t worth the hype. After what she guessed to be several hours, she set off for home.

After awaking with a strange pain shooting throughout her body, Matthews was shocked to find a campus maintenance crew surrounding her office. Wondering what could be wrong, she pushed her way through the crowd, amazed to see a gaping hole in the wall of her office. Much to her surprise, she had not locked up when leaving the previous night. Instead, she had thrown her desk through the wall and walked out, dragging loose wires, file folders and computer peripherals halfway across campus.

An investigation is ongoing, but Matthews has already been charged with Destruction of Property. She plans to plead not guilty by reason of temporary insanity.