Higher Ed Horoscopes: Insights into Your New Sign

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by Erica Price
Freelance Writer

Aries (April 18 – May 13)

Do you remember that upgrade to your computer you requested last month? Things are looking really good for you, Aries. Rumor has it that the student affairs staff is getting new computers as soon as the economy turns around. They will be in touch. Soon.

Taurus (May 13 – June 21)

Two of your students are lying through their teeth to you about a recent conflict. Be sure not to make assumptions about statements like “I was totally faithful to her” and “He went home with me but nothing happened.”

Gemini (June 21 – July 20)

You’ve been trying to be more health conscious and it’s really paying off. Now’s the time for a new wardrobe and your new, trimmer self deserves to wear better stuff than the orientation t-shirts from 2007. Just donate it somewhere and nobody will speak of it again.

Cancer (July 20 – Aug. 10)

Your department is looking for more from you this month. You are energized and know you can deliver! Sadly, your boss is not so sure. Try not to embarrass yourself with these new responsibilities and maybe you’ll come out shining.

Leo (Aug. 10 – Sept. 16)

Be sure to use care when driving this month, Leo. Just because you work in higher education doesn’t mean you are truly “authorized” to drive wherever you want on campus. Facilities trucks drive on those service roads pretty fast when they are not expecting others.

Virgo (Sept. 16 – Oct. 30)

Quick! You may want to take another look at your calendar for the month. Your staff has scheduled three international food festivals in the same weekend as a “cultural diversity weekend program.” Come on, you can do better than that.

Libra (Oct. 30 – Nov. 23)

Where have you been all month? Your social media contacts miss you terribly and a perky young intern at a satirical news publication might be hoping to meet up with you at the office soon.

Scorpio (Nov. 23 – Nov. 29)

Your training materials for your staff presentation were outstanding! You should hope that nobody notices that you didn’t cite the person who really developed the material. Next time, you should know that citing Google isn’t exactly enough.

Ophiuchus Jr.

Ophiuchus (Nov. 29 – Dec. 17)

Oh, new sign on the block, take heed. Trying to make a good first impression while showing up half an hour late for every meeting isn’t really sending a consistent message. Get your sh*t together and use the calendar feature on your fancy phone as conscientiously as you search for new ringtones.

Sagittarius (Dec. 17 – Jan. 20)

Next time the President asks “Anyone have any announcements?” at the all-campus employee meeting, keep in mind he’s not really talking to you. He may say he is, but he really only wants those with reserved parking spaces to chime in.

Capricorn (Jan. 20 – Feb. 16)

A new semester means the chance to revisit your goals for this academic year. Take them out, blow the dust off and it’s time to change nearly all of what you were planning so there’s something to write in the annual report.

Aquarius (Feb. 16 – March 11)

Financial woes are weighing heavily on your mind this month. Be sure you are saving a little and building up your nest egg. Even a little bit each month in a savings account is better than your current plan of “investing” in MegaMillions tickets.

Pisces (March 11 – April 18)

Keep nurturing that friendly relationship with the facilities staff in the Student Union. At some point this month, you’re going to be “that person” who locks himself out of his office.