by Erica Price Freelance Writer Aries (April 18 – May 13) Do you remember that upgrade to your computer you requested last month? Things are looking really good for you, Aries. Rumor has it that the student affairs staff is getting new computers as soon as the economy turns around. They will be in touch. [...]

by Irma Pelt Senior Staff Writer After two major incidents landed the University of Notre Dame in the national spotlight during the fall semester, university administration has relented and requested assistance in its ongoing investigations. Notre Dame has received public criticism of its handling of the alleged sexual assault on a St. Mary’s College student [...]

by Hannah Q. Scott Freelance Writer Maclay State University’s Student Affairs division started a new tradition this year: They submitted their New Year’s Resolutions to the entire campus community. CronkNews.com received an exclusive look at the list: Student affairs staff will no longer work any nights or weekends. In order to model effective balance for [...]

by Monty Tufnel Freelance Writer In a shocking development yesterday a group of university presidents from six conferences announced the formation of a Commencement Championship Series (CCS) to create the best possible system to identify the number one ranked school academically in the world. “U.S. News and World Report rankings are simply not useful anymore [...]

by Monty Tufnel Freelance Writer Faculty at Gwynn Oaks College in Oak Park, IN staged a one-day sit-in to protest the college’s newly designated “Development Day.” The all-day “Faculty In-Service,” as it was called for the last twenty years, was recently renamed at the suggestion of new president, Myron D. Schrenk. Jordan Wilkes Hammer, chair [...]

by David Anthony Freelance Writer In a rare emergency board of trustees meeting at the Theatrical Music Dramatis Academy in San Jose, the clause in the student handbook prohibiting “free, open, and public physical expression through prancing or frolicking on academy grounds” has been repealed. The motion originally gained public notoriety when Student Government president [...]

by Monty Tufnel Freelance Writer Highweed University in San Francisco has hired the Gulack Executive Search (GES) firm to assist the university in choosing a firm to lead their presidential search. Former President Michael M. Suggs left Highweed in July to become president of Millhouse University in Charlotte, NC. GES was selected by the Highweed [...]

“It was devastating,” said college freshman Stefania Nadyana on Thursday after revealing to her family that she was gay. “I’d been practicing coming out to them all semester and they ruined everything. It was humiliating.” “It’s been an extremely difficult situation,” said Oslo Nadyana, Stefania’s father. “We knew she was gay from the time she [...]

Ohio State University has taken swift and harsh action against five graduate assistants caught violating a barely-heard-of policy regarding staff gifts. “We caught the grads donating their staff t-shirts and coffee mugs at a local Goodwill store,” explained an anonymous source. “According to new branding standards, those shirts and cups actually belong to OSU and [...]

Staff at the Knox Athletic Center at Landry College are carefully preparing for the fitness center’s favorite annual tradition. “It’s like getting ready for a solar eclipse,” said Ernie Yednich Landry’s athletic director. “It only comes around once in a while so we have to treat it with the reverence it deserves.” Professor Merriman visits [...]