by Dana Lancer
Archaeologists working in an undisclosed part of Central Asia have uncovered the remains of “what is probably the most inept culture that has ever existed,” according to lead researcher, Dr. Herman K. Brower of Princeton University.
“It’s an incredible find,” adds Brower. “It greatly expands our understanding of just how imbecilic humans can really be.” The find is deemed so important to archaeology that its directors have ordered its location be kept secret. “We may have the most revealing discovery ever made concerning the origins of human stupidity,” said Brower. “There’s no way we’re going to give other scholars a chance to get in on the act.”
The as-yet unnamed civilization, which existed between 8,0000 to 6,0000 years ago, appears to have had absolutely no ability to accomplish anything. Despite being surrounded by other, literate cultures, they not only had no writing or math, but no agriculture or hunting skills. “They basically seemed to live off of windfalls and road kill,” said Brower. “They obviously couldn’t build anything,” he added. The site is rich with remains of people smothered under collapsed half-finished huts. These building failures were evidently not caused by natural disasters, since they occurred regularly and consistently over many centuries. “There is not the remotest evidence of progress,” said Brower. “They were completely incapable of learning from their mistakes, even when those mistakes killed them, year after year, decade after decade. They were just idiots.” The civilization also lacked art, “unless you consider charcoal scrawls that appear to be erect penises art,” said Brower.
The artifacts that have been uncovered are described by archaeologists as “utterly useless.” A graduate student who has labored for months on the secretive dig provided details under the condition that she remain anonymous, fearing loss of her scholarship. “We’ve found some vessels that look like they were made by a drunken chimpanzee and lots of stick drawings with the legs and arms in the wrong places. These people really had shit for brains.”
“This is the kind of dig archeology students have wet dreams about,” she added. “There’s just piles of this garbage waiting to be dug up. It’ll keep us busy for years.”
“Think about it,” Brower concluded. “A previously unknown culture that produced tons of rubbish so insipid that we don’t have to bother to interpret anything. It’s an archaeologist’s dream come true.”