Faculty Votes No-Confidence in Senior Class

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by Schubert Lovenkraft
Freelance Writer

Kansas A&T faculty overwhelmingly passed the long awaited, so-called “nuclear option,” officially voting no-confidence in its senior class at yesterday’s All Faculty Meeting.

The motion that passed by a vote of 141 to 6 (with 4 abstentions) stated, “After four years of beating our collective heads against a wall trying to get this cohort to read books, write in complete sentences and produce something – anything – that approximates original thought, we, the faculty, have no other recourse but to assert our complete and total lack of confidence in the Kansas A&T class of 2011.” The resolution concludes by asking seniors to “pay your library, parking, and keg fines and, in the best interests of the institution, do whatever you must to graduate, transfer, drop out or just vanish into the ether by the end of the spring semester.”

“The teachers were against us from the moment we got here,” said Delta Delta Kappa President Juniper Springs when informed of the faculty decision. “Right from the beginning, they were, like, making us write these thesis statements and stuff. I mean, OMG! Who would ever tweet a thesis statement?”

The statistics on the current senior class present a mixed view of their career at A&T. Director of Institutional Research Ned Two Beards says that although this class was more involved in co-curricular activities than any class on record, almost 75 percent of the students ended up in the bottom quartile academically. “I don’t know how that happened, but the numbers don’t lie.”

Vice President for Admissions Barrington Jones denied any responsibility for the class’s underwhelming performance. “Every one of those kids was in the top two-thirds of their high school class when they chose A&T. Listen, the pictures we got from them could fill three admissions brochures. They’ll be on our web site for years. They were the best looking class we’ve ever had.”

After the vote, many seniors seemed unmoved by the decision. As senior Kevin McElvey quipped, “I took all my classes online and transferred them in anyway. Greek and IM champs three years in a row, baby!”