by I.M. Knott-Tawkin Freelance Writer At last, the wars between rhetoric-composition, literature and creative writing are over. Thanks to a new interdisciplinary major in texting, not writing, Grover College aims to set the pace for other colleges and universities hoping to revolutionize English instruction and remove the stuffy classics and annoying marginal comments from the [...]

by Dana Lancer Freelance Writer A panel of linguists that has spent years studying the languages spoken in contemporary France has concluded that French does not qualify as a legitimate language. Its members urge the reclassification of French as a simplistic, unstable variant of another, older Romance language, probably Catalan or Provençal. “A few of [...]

by Hannah Q. Scott Freelance Writer This spring, the Center for Disease Control (CDC) has named a new illness predicted to hit college campuses. “We thought with the decline of H1N1 that we were out of the woods for contagious viruses,” says College Health Specialist Dr. Britney Duff. “It turns out there’s another strain that’s [...]

While the parents of former unpaid CronkNews intern Erica Price have chosen not to remove life support from their brain dead daughter, we have decided we need a sense of closure so we can find someone new. Sadly, dry cleaning does not deliver itself. In our grief, we were unable to write a proper obituary, [...]

by Irma Pelt Senior Staff Writer Over the past two years, Tabeart College has posted more than 300 jobs to various higher education publications and search services, including The Placement Exchange and the Chronicle of Higher Education. Noting this unusually high number for an institution that reports having a combined faculty and staff of just [...]

by Matthew Michael Freelance Writer Thanks to funding from a Republican Party grant, Gaightes College political scientist Dr. Robert Q. Heller has created the perfect candidate to run against Barack Obama in 2012: Donele Bachrump. Bachrump, a Frankenstinian-Manchurian candidate, was created from the genetic material and political leanings of current high profile Republicans, Michele Bachmann [...]

Only days after long-suffering unpaid intern Erica Price completed her master’s degree and framed her diploma, CronkNews staff learned of her untimely demise. Details about Erica’s accident are cloudy, and our staff is too distraught to do a thorough investigation, so we’re asking readers to help us literally fill in the blanks so we can [...]

Ever-perky Erica Price wrapped up her 1-year unpaid internship with The Cronk of Higher Education this week and added an M.S. to her name when she earned her master’s degree in Higher Administration Curriculum Assessment Personnel Development. Parents Maeve and Agustus Price gave their daughter a lovely bouquet of flowers with a note, “We couldn’t [...]

by Josh Bond Freelance Writer Southern Ariba College announced Monday that they had run out of free food for the semester, leaving hundreds of student organizations scrambling. University officials are blaming the shortage on an unusual number of otherwise-boring programs, most of which rely on food to drive attendance. “How are we going to get [...]

by Schubert Lovenkraft Freelance Writer In a stunning display of higher education’s transformative potential, “Jersey Shore” star Mike Sorrentino, a.k.a. “The Situation,” announced at today’s Season 4 press conference that he would be leaving MTV’s record-grossing reality show to attend Staten Island College (SIC) and pursue an Associate’s Degree in sociology. Sorrentino attributed much of [...]